It's Been A While....

I have not published a post since February. Have you missed me? For 7 month, I’ve neglected my site, and not only that, I have stayed out of the kitchen, too. Its crazy how life can get away from you; weeks turn into months. I was even afraid to look at this site because I was ashamed that I had allowed myself to go so long without putting a post together. But I was going through a really rough time with everything - my kid, my job, everything.

First, it’s no secret that I am a mother to a baby who has now grown to a full-blown toddler. Up until recently, my son was attached to my husband at the hip. “Dada” came out of his mouth at 6 months, yet it took him almost a year later before he said “Mama.” That, on top of how he always seemed to want my husband, really brought me down. I would say that I felt if I left, my son wouldn’t care. I know that’s not true, but its how I felt and I couldn’t shake myself out of it.

Then my job had been downright miserable. Do I want to be in my job forever? No. But don’t tell my boss that! But I wanted to feel valued in the place that I’m in right now and earlier this year, I wasn’t feeling that. I would leave for work in a rage, come home in a rage. Feeling deserving of a promotion that wasn’t coming, kept me mad all the time. Geez, am I going to be stuck in this miserable cube a level above entry level for the rest of my career?

My dissatisfaction at work and the perception that kid didn’t care about me did nothing to help my self esteem. I was tired all the time and only wanted to lay around. Yet laying around was doing nothing to help me lose the 25lbs I am still holding on to from my pregnancy (an insecurity that I’m still dealing with). There’s no excuse for any of this, yet here I was miserable at work and miserable at home and just wanting to stay in bed. So, I didn’t even do the things I love. I didn’t bake, I didn’t blog. I forgot why I started all this in the first place.

Then one day in May, I got an email.

It was an email from the Contact Me section of my site. From a casting director for a show that I’ll keep under wraps for now, but lets just say that it ties into this blog perfectly. To say I was floored was a true understatement. Overjoyed? Ecstatic? FREAKING OUT?! I could not even handle the excitement! The casting director asked me to apply to be on the show. Well DUH! I had already been planning on applying anyway, but gosh, when a casting director asks you to, you drop everything and start filling out that application immediately. I just felt this immense sense of validation and thought, “This is it. This is where I get my new start.” I planned on calling her the next day. Before calling her, I get a message on my Instagram account from a casting assistant from the exact same show. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! This signs were all there…How could I not think that this was actually going to happen?

After playing some phone tag, I talk to the casting director the following week and she immediately sets up a video interview. This was moving so fast!! I had my interview and I feel like it goes so great! She encourages me to get to baking and I follow her advice, making plans to absolutely bake my brains out.

Over the next 4 weeks, so many things happen. First, I get my promotion at work (20% raise, people). Then, out of the blue, my son starts saying “Mama” and I thought my heart would explode with happiness. Plus, I was baking all the time. Practice, practice, practice. However, weeks later, I had not heard back from the show. “It’s fine, these things take time,” I would tell myself. “You don’t know how all this works. I’m sure its supposed to take several weeks.” Knowing that filming would be starting, I reached back out to the casting director to check on the progress.

Hey Alexandra,

Everyone who has moved on has already been notified. Have a great summer!

What a punch to the gut. I had felt so confident! This is my literal dream and it was actually within my grasp.

I got the email while I was at work and spent the remainder of my day fighting back tears. Now that I’ve spent the last several weeks digesting this all, I see this was the best thing to happen for now. You see, I knew I wasn’t exactly ready for the show, but I wanted it so bad. But now this has lit a fire in my belly, and come next year, I will be ready.

I don’t know how many people actually read my posts, but regardless of the amount of people this reaches, I know what I want to do. Now that I have scribbled down these thoughts and shared the reason for my hiatus, it’s time to get back to business. With a real goal set now, there’s a renewed spirit in this site. I hope you join me all in the ride.

I had planned on ending this with a blow-by-blow of my experience back to baking, which started this morning with pumpkin cream cheese muffins, but instead, just click that link for the recipe. You want to make these. They fed more than my hunger this morning. They fed my fire. I’m back!!